Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
