i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
