I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
