her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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