and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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