So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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