At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
