Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
