Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
