I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
