i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
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