this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
