Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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