everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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