Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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