I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm at about main and main street
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
