i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
