I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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