Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
