Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
