i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
