Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
