From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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