I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just cropdusted the office
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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