So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
