Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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