I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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