Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
