you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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