remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
