you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im holly from the hills drunk
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
