what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
