If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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