I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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