When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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