My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
