My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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