I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She's the barista slut.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
