Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
