Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
