I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
