i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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