im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
