I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
