If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
