I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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