i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
