I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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