fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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