if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
my poor anus
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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